Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
and you fell through a lawn chair
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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