i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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