A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
