I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
