i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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