I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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