I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
