My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
