I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
