i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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