you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
