You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am available for nakedness
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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