I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
