I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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