I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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