I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
