so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
