This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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