Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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