Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
