You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
