so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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