He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
