so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
