Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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