I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
