I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
