nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
