hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Randomize
