tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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