Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
