I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
