i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
