I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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