i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
