I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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