U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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