The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
