new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
