apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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