No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
