It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
