Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
