So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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