Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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