i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
