There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
