I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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