He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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