I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
