She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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