if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
