there's paper in my vomit.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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