i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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