Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize