We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
