He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
