I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
